


the holy or the broken

by lhknox



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, F/F, Family Drama, Hanukkah, Happy Ending, Jewish Character, Jewish Holidays, Judaism, LGBTQ Jewish Character(s), in the wise words of ron weasley 'youre gonna suffer but youre gonna be happy about it', sanvers is also gonna come dont worry just not yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-05 23:16:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16820416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lhknox/pseuds/lhknox
Summary: "And Lena wants to tell her, 'I don’t deserve you'. She wants to tell Kara that she loves her more than her heart can bear, that she dreams of holding her and kissing her and touching her more than she would ever admit. She wants to tell Kara that she is the sole reason Lena wants to be good, that she is her reason for everything good in her life and she will spend an eternity fighting to be in Kara’s life by any means necessary.But Lena can’t say any of that."///In the midst of tragedy, the Danvers sisters struggle to find peace.





	1. Rosh Hashana - Judgement

**Author's Note:**

> Chanukah Sameach my friends, and welcome to this year's chanukah fic. one upload a day for the next eight days, just like god intended.
> 
> each chapter this year is based around the themes of a different jewish holiday, starting with rosh hashana, and working through the (jewish) calendar year. 
> 
> if you have any questions, feel free to ask either here or on tumblr (my url is murdershegoat)
> 
> enjoy!

Rosh Hashana - Judgement

_ … and a thin silent voice shall be heard. And the angels shall be alarmed, and dread and fear shall seize them as they proclaim: behold, the Day of Judgment... On Rosh Hashana it is inscribed... how many shall pass away and how many shall be born, who shall live and who shall die… _

\- Unetaneh Tokef, a prayer recited on Rosh Hashana

///

It begins with an ending.

The house is still, empty of the visitors who’d spent the last week coming and going, leaving their grief with Alex and Kara. The fridge is filled with various prepared meals wrapped in foil and the countertops are overflowing with fruit baskets and pastry boxes. The usually manicured lawn is a mess of tire marks and heavy footprints, evidence of the flow of people in and out of the house.

It turns out that when a celebrated scientist dies, a lot of people want to pay their respects.

It turns out that when your mother is killed by high-grade alien weaponry from an unknown source, you need a constant security presence during the week of Shiva.

Alex sighs deeply as she sinks into the well worn couch. She rests her feet on the coffee table in front of her and lets her mind revel in the quiet that settles around the house. It’s been a long week of Shiva, fielding her mother’s friends and colleagues and well-meaning high school peers. And with each visitor, Alex wished more than anything she can curl up into a ball and just lie in bed for a while. But she trudged along, accepting pity-filled glances with grace, listening to stories about her mother without crying or yelling, nodding and remaining quiet every time somebody said ‘at least it happened quickly’ or something else as equally infuriating. 

She hadn’t always had the best relationship with her mother, not by a long shot. Memories of her time as a teenager are steeped in resentment and anger: anger at her mother for not accepting anything less than perfection, anger at Kara for being perfect without trying, angry at herself for not being good enough. Dozens of therapy sessions later and she knows that most of her hang-ups as an adult stem from her relationship with her mother and the expectations she flung at Alex, and part of her thinks she’ll always hold that against Eliza.

Or, well, against her memory.

Alex feels more alone than ever, despite the fact she can hear Kara rummaging through the fridge in the next room, despite the fact she has a plethora of friends back in National City waiting to welcome her back with open arms.

“You want anything?” Kara calls out, and Alex just  _ knows  _ her sister has a mouth full of Mrs. Goldberg’s world famous potato salad. 

“No, thanks,” Alex replies, and moments later Kara is on the couch next to her, plate filled with enough food to feed an army.

“It was nice of Rabbi Hersch to bring pie,” Kara says. “And for setting up so many meals.”

“Those kind people think they’re feeding us for a couple of weeks, when really you’ll have it finished by lunchtime tomorrow.”

“I’m a growing girl, Alex. I need to eat.”

Alex wants to laugh, she really does. But she can’t bring herself to do it. She can’t bring herself to feel happy right now; it’ll take too much energy.

“Rabbi Hersch also said if we need help getting rid of some stuff when we start cleaning up the house he’ll be happy to help.”

“Yeah well maybe Rabbi Hersch should mind his own damn business.”

“Alex!” Kara says, admonishingly. “You can’t be rude to a rabbi!”

“I can when he’s not here.”

“He’s right though. We should start cleaning this up.”

Alex sighs and stands up. She doesn’t want to have this conversation right now.

“We’ll get to it when we get to it,” is all she says to Kara, before stalking away to her old childhood bedroom. It’s still in the same condition Alex left it in before she went off to college. The posters of Sally Ride and Mae Jemison are faded with sunlight, but they still smile down on the room. Photos of Kara and Jeremiah and Eliza are tacked onto most surfaces but looking at them makes Alex’s chest hurt.

She stands in front of her bookshelf, looking through her CD collection and settles on something loud and obscure that reminds her of her teenage angst, hoping that maybe the music will help her drown out her problems like it used to.

As the music plays, Alex lies down on her twin bed - well worn with age and made up pristinely - and she closes her eyes. The music is deafening and it washes over her and it thumps through her body in that way loud music does but it doesn’t stop the ache that lies so deeply in her bones.

And so she cries.

But that doesn’t help much, either.

///

Kara wakes her a while later. The sun has started to set and she’s been left in the shadows offered by twilight.

“Alex,” Kara says, shaking her gently, “come downstairs. We have a visitor.”

“Tell Rabbi Hersch to fuck off,” Alex grumbles, rolling over.

“It’s not Rabbi Hersch, it’s Lena.”

Alex rolls back over to face Kara.

“She’s your friend, why does this at all affect me?”

Kara shrugs. “She wants to speak to both of us.”

Alex begrudgingly gets out of bed and goes downstairs to see Lena.

As always, Lena is dressed impeccably. Her hair is pulled back, and her dress is tight and short enough that Alex can basically hear Kara drooling over her.

“Alex,” Lena says, standing when they enter the room. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” Alex replies. For the first time, she notices the bags of takeaway that cover the coffee table. “Is that--”

“Noonan’s,” Lena says. “I got all your favorites.”

“You’re the best visitor we’ve had all week.”

Alex tears into a bag, pulling out a fresh bagel. She sits down and starts to eat it. It’s the first thing she’s eaten in days, her stomach finally settling.

“I’m here for another reason, something not quite as pleasant as Noonan’s bagels.”

She sits down across from Kara and Alex, her eyes filled with a sadness that makes Alex’s stomach sink. She’s not sure exactly what Lena’s about to say, but she has a feeling it’s going to hurt her. A lot.

“So the thing is.” Lena takes a deep breath. “The weapon that killed your mother. I know where it came from.”

Kara sits up straighter. “You can trace it? J’onn said he’s never seen alien technology like it, so the DEO’s hit a dead end--”

“It’s not alien technology,” Lena says.

“Well then what is it?” Kara asks, her voice wavering only slightly. It dawns on Alex, what Lena means.

Silence engulfs them as Lena’s almost-confession hangs in the air, dangling precariously over their heads.

“It’s yours,” Alex says. “L-Corp technology.”

“A prototype,” Lena replies. “It was under lock and key. We still don’t know how it went missing.”

“How did it get out then?” Kara asks, her voice wavering. Alex can’t bare to look at her; she doesn’t think she can stomach her sister’s sadness along with her own. 

“We’re looking into that right now. And we’ll cooperate with the DEO for the entirety of the investigation.”

“But why didn’t you say anything when it first went missing?”

“I couldn’t let you know that I was developing anything like it,” Lena says, leaning forward. “I never thought in a million years your mother would be in its line of fire.”

“Who did you think would be in its line of fire?” Kara asks. She stands from her seat and begins to pace. “Aliens? The DEO?”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen, this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“Why is it,” Alex asks, “every time you fuck up it’s  _ my  _ family that pays the price?”

“And you think this is easy for me? My technology, yet again, used to hurt the people I care about?”

“Don’t pretend like this affects you,” Alex says. 

Lena wipes away a stray tear. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry this has happened.”

“How many times have we defended you to the rest of the world, have we proved our trust? And now? Our mother is dead because of you.”

“Alex--” Kara starts. 

“Get out of my house.”

Lena stands up, smoothing out her skirt. She clears her throat, and Alex finally looks to Kara, who stares at her friend in confusion and hurt.

“I hope,” says Lena, “that you’ll be able to forgive me.”

“I said get out,” Alex says before Kara has a chance to reply.

Lena shows herself out as Alex throws away the food she had brought over. Kara stands as still as a statue, unable to move. Alex knows that however she’s feeling, it must be worse for Kara; Lena is her best friend.

“We’ll be okay,” Alex says to Kara. “We’ll be alright.”

But the words are as empty as Alex feels. 

///

National City is warmer than Midvale had been, and louder too.

Kara had missed flying amongst the skyscrapers and watching the busy lives of people unfold down below.

Kara had missed National City, and she had missed Lena.

Which is why she touches down on her balcony late on a Monday night, knowing Lena would still be there.

“Supergirl,” Lena greets. She stands on her balcony nursing a scotch. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Director Danvers informed me of your weapon.”

Lena sighs. “About that--”

“You killed their mother.”

“No, a weapon I designed was used to kill her. While I’m obviously devastated it happened, the Danvers aren’t exactly thinking logically about this.”

“You were hiding that weapon, and it’s not exactly a handgun. And you didn’t tell them why you were developing something like that in the first place.”

“Because, Supergirl, with all due respect it’s none of their business. I create new technology where I see a need and demand for it. People want to feel safe. There have been three hostile invasions in almost as many years, so I developed a prototype for a self defence weapons system.”

“There is no need for-” She pauses, her words caught in her throat. “That  _ thing _ shot a hole so big in Eliza Danvers that she was in two pieces. That is not self defence, that is for unbridled offence.”

“Well I’m sorry you feel that way, Supergirl, but I think it would’ve come in handy when I was  _ kidnapped _ by Daxamites.” Lena takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry this has happened. But I refuse to keep apologising for the things I make to protect our society.”

Kara doesn’t reply. She looks at Lena one last time before leaving, committing her beautiful face to memory. Kara feels a stirring in her gut as she looks at Lena, but she ignores it, the way she always does.

As she flies through the night air, she thinks that maybe sometimes people turn out to be exactly who they deny being. 

And that maybe some friendships aren’t meant to last forever.

  
  
  
  



	2. Yom Kippur - Repentance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She’s used to losing good things. But this feels different. She thinks that maybe if she’s lost Kara for good, she’ll never fully get over it. Losing Kara is the thing that could break her."
> 
> ///
> 
> Chapter 2 of Chanukah Fic 2k18

_ … And on Yom Kippur they are sealed… But repentance, prayer and charity avert the severity of the decree. _

  * Unetaneh Tokef, a prayer recited on Yom Kippur



///

She’s used to losing the things she loves.

She remembers her mother dying. They’re not clear cut memories, but flashes tinged with grief and confusion. It was a week after her fourth birthday. They had gone to the zoo even though her mother was too sick to do much other than smile from her wheelchair. Aunt Abigail had pushed the wheelchair and Lena alternated between sitting in her mother’s lap and walking beside her, resting her little hand on the armrest. And then, just a week later, she remembers her aunt’s tears making her shirt wet and she remembers driving to the cemetery because they drove past a Toys R Us and she remembers wanting to stop there. 

She remembers meeting Lionel for the first time, too. He was at the breakfast table when she first woke up and her aunt’s eyes were red. She was saying ‘please, don’t take her’ as softly as she could and he just pushed a stack of papers towards her. 

She remembers Aunt Abigail packing a bag as soft sobs wracked her body. 

“Where am I going, Aunty?” she remembers asking. She never received a reply. 

Lionel promised to take her on a big airplane as they walked to his car, and she remembers looking at the house one last time. It was old and small but the memory of still makes Lena smile. Aunt Abigail stood in the doorway and Lena waved goodbye until she couldn’t see the house anymore. She remembers how cold Lillian’s hand was the first time she held it. She remembers her new step-mother leading her into a lounge room and introducing her to Lex.

She remembers Lillian yanking her favorite blankie from her hands the moment before she stepped foot into her first day of preschool. She remembers the way the other children - spawn of the rich and powerful - stared at her as she sobbed hysterically, begging her teacher to send her to Aunt Abigail.

Lena remembers Veronica Sinclair breaking up with her as they lay in bed together. Lena had been in love with her since they were freshman roommates. Ronnie was the one person Lena felt truly understood her, her person. Hell, for a moment there, Lena thought that maybe if soulmates existed, Veronica Sinclair was hers and that they’d just been lucky enough to find each other in high school.

They had finally started dating at the end of sophomore year, and it was in the first week of junior year - just moments after they had sex for the first time since summer break - that Veronica broke up with her. Lena could still taste Veronica on her lips when she said ‘this isn’t going to last, Luthor.’ She got out of bed and got dressed and got back into her own bed, because  _ they were still fucking roommates. _

Lena remembers getting the call that Lex had finally been arrested. She hadn’t talked to her brother in months, instead watching his descent into chaos with the rest of the nation. There had been talk of her taking over the family business for a while now, but it was always just that: talk. But when she got the call telling her Lex was in prison and that he’d be there for a long time, she felt something shift. Suddenly, taking over the family business at barely twenty four was a very real possibility and she was scared. Scared that she’d fail, that she’d run a billion dollar corporation into the ground. Scared that she’d earn even more of her mother’s ire. She was twenty-four, for god’s sake. She had just finished her PhD and was excited to take a second to breathe before figuring out her next move.

But suddenly everything was sorted out for her and she was on a jet to National City listening to her favorite playlist. And she quickly found out that only one thing really made National City worthwhile, and that was the friendship she quickly forged with Kara Danvers.

Kara had become the light guiding her towards the end of the tunnel, by her side and a constant support. Kara made her feel safe and warm and for the first time in a long time, Lena had someone to care about other than herself again. And there was a moment, she wasn’t entirely sure exactly when, when she realised her feelings for Kara were more than that of friendship. It happened slowly, she thinks. One moment, they were just friends and the next thing Lena knew, even thinking about Kara made her chest ache with the familiar pangs of falling in love. But she refused to lose Kara, refused to entertain the idea of fucking up their friendship with something as silly as lust. She dedicated herself to being the best friend she possibly could, and she felt the love in her heart swell, fuelled by a selflessness she had rarely employed before.

But like everything else in her life, it feels as though everything good is gone.

Kara hasn’t spoken to her in over two weeks and Lena is scared.

Because she’s used to losing good things. But this feels different. She thinks that maybe if she’s lost Kara for good, she’ll never fully get over it. Losing Kara is the thing that could break her.

So she decides she won’t let that happen.

She won’t lose Kara.

She can’t lose Kara.

///

“You asked to see me?” Kara stands in the doorway of Lena’s office. Her shirt is slightly rumpled and her belt doesn’t really match her pants and Lena’s not sure why she notices all of this before she notices the slight slump in her shoulders.

She seems sad, and Lena desperately wishes she could help. 

“Kara, hi! I--”

“You said it was important?” She’s being short with her. Lena can tell she wants to leave. Lena feels her heart break.

“I didn’t think you’d actually come.” She pauses. “I’ve missed you.”

Kara sighs, almost imperceptibly. “I’ve missed you, too.”

“How have you been?” Lena cringes internally. Small talk is stupid, especially between people as close as they are.

“Busy. Tired. You.?”

“About the same.”

More silence.

“I tried calling. A lot,” Lena says. She doesn’t care if she sounds desperate. She misses her friend.

“We were in Midvale, the house doesn’t get much reception.” It’s a lie. Obviously it’s a lie.

“Right well, you’re probably wondering why I called.”

“You mean it was for more than just this awkward interaction?” It’s almost like normal again, a quip from Kara that makes Lena smile. But it isn’t normal. Kara’s smile is forced and the reason Lena has asked her there is borderline desperation. Scratch that, it’s definitely desperation.

“I guess I’ll cut right to the chase. I want to start a scholarship at Stanford and NCU.”

“Mine and Alex’s alma mater,” she says.

Lena nods. “They’ll be in the science program at Stanford and the poli-sci program at NCU. Both for members of their postgrad programs who are making strides in the acceptance and inclusion of alien immigrants - and human immigrants, too, for that matter - and want to use their studies to further the cause.” Lena hesitates. “It’ll be called the Dr. Eliza Danvers Scholarship for Acceptance and Progress.”

“That’s a very generous offer,” Kara says softly, the edge to her voice from earlier has disappeared.

“This is. I feel like this is all I can really do.”  _ I just want you to talk to me again. _

“You don’t have to do anything.” 

“I feel guilty,” Lena admits.

“I don’t blame you.”

Lena scoffs. “Try to sound convincing next time.”

“I really don’t. It’s just…”

“Complicated.”

“Like most things between us.”

Lena shakes her head. “We were always easy. Always a good fit.”

“And I want it to go back to normal,” Kara confesses. “I just… I’m hurting right now, and I think I need to try and get better with my family.”

_ You’re my family _ , Lena wants to say. But she settles on, 

“Eliza was a great woman. I want to honour her.”

“Alex isn’t going to like this very much.”

“Alex isn’t the only Danvers daughter,” Lena counters.

“She’s angry. At the whole situation. At you, because you’re easier to blame I guess.”

“I’ll do anything she needs me to do. What does she need?”

Kara smiles sadly. “She needs our mom.”

Lena fights the urge to take Kara’s hand in her own, to try and comfort her. To tell her she knows what it’s like to lose a mother and she wishes she could take Kara’s pain and make it her own.

“And you? What do you want, Kara?”

“I want to be your friend again,” Kara confesses.

“I also want that.”

“But… But I need to be a good sister right now.”

“Right. Of course.”

“Lena?”

  
“Yeah?”

“I need you to know that you don’t have to buy our forgiveness. There’s nothing for you to forgive. And Alex… Like I said, she just needs time.”

Kara steps forward, kissing Lena’s cheek softly. It feels final, for some reason. Suddenly, Lena doesn’t know when she’ll see Kara again, and the thought fills her with panic, with the fear of losing something she’s only now realising she cannot live without.

“Bye, Lena,” Kara says.

She wants to ask when this exile will end, when Kara will want Lena in her life once again. But she’s scared that the answer will be a resounding ‘never’. Lena wants to be better. She knows, as she stares silently at her best friend, that this is not her fault; her therapist says she can’t blame herself for the actions of others and she can’t let others do the same.

But this isn’t just anybody. This is Kara and Kara’s family. It’s Alex, her friend whom she respects more than almost anybody else. And this is Eliza, Eliza who reminded her of the maternal warmth she has yearned for every day for twenty-odd years. 

Kara’s long gone now, but Lena continues to stare at the closed door, her mind refusing to quieten. She doesn’t know what to do other than be better, something Kara inspires her to do, anyway. She decides that she’ll do whatever she can to have Kara back in her life once more. She’ll do all she can to deserve to love Kara when she sees her again.

“I’ll be better,” she vows aloud.

For herself. 

For her best friend and for Eliza.

For the memory of her own mother.

She’ll be better.


	3. Sukkot - Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She wishes she could say a lot to Lena, that she was sorry they haven’t spoken in so long, that she wishes she hadn’t had to choose between her sister and her best friend. But she hopes that now she’ll be able to find a balance between the two, a way to have them both in her life. Nomadic, yes, flitting back and forth. But for Lena? It was worth it."
> 
> //
> 
> Time passes and wounds begin to heal.

" _As King Solomon aptly wrote, there is a time and place for each emotion under the sun – and not every situation we face is supposed to be joyous. Since happiness can’t be a state of having or a state of being, it must be a state of becoming. When we view happiness through this lens, we approach life as an unfolding journey of continuous growth and development, with inevitable bumps along the way. But by shifting our perspective towards those realities, we can choose to become happier.”_

\- Chabad.org, regarding happiness on Sukkot

///

Alex doesn’t get to the phone in time. She rushes to the living room, her towel wrapped around her, still damp from her shower.

The missed call is from Maggie, and Alex feels like she’s been punched in the stomach. Before she has a chance to catch her breath or even think properly, there’s a knock on the door. And in her Maggie-induced stupor, Alex answers the door, towel and all.

“Danvers. Hey.”

It’s sort of annoying, Alex will muse later, how Maggie manages to get better looking with each passing day. Her hair is shorter than it used to be and her skin is more tanned. She dons, of course, her signature jacket, and Alex can smell the mixture of perfume and leather that she’s missed so much.

“Uhh…. I can come back if it’s not a good time?” 

Alex realises several things all at once.

Firstly, Maggie Sawyer is standing at her door.

Secondly, she’s staring at her, brown eyes even more beautiful than Alex remembers.

And lastly, Alex is still wearing a towel and nothing else.

“No!” she rushes to say. “Please, come in. Have a seat and I’ll go get dressed.”

She says a silent prayer of thanks that her apartment is acceptably clean as she slips away to get changed.

(She also gives herself permission to have a forty five second freakout as she throws on her jeans and tshirt.)

When she reemerges, Maggie is still sitting on the couch and Alex decides that she’s not having some sort of grief-induced hallucination.

“I’ve got to say,” Alex says, sitting down across from Maggie, “I wasn’t expecting to see you.”

“To be honest, I wasn’t planning on coming over,” Maggie tells her. “I just got back from Gotham, and I saw an article about your mom in Science Weekly. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“That’s very kind of you,” Alex says, her voice wavering. “I’m. I’m okay.”

Maggie leans forward, and Alex thinks that maybe if they were sitting closer together, she’d try to reach over and rest a hand on Alex.

“You don’t have to pretend to be strong,” Maggie says.

“I know,” Alex says. “I’m telling the truth, though. Right now? I’m okay, I’m with you. But in an hour, maybe two, who knows how I’ll be. I’ve been a mess on and off since it all happened. But I guess that it’s all part of the process.”

“Wow, Danvers, who’d’ve thought you’d be so emotionally stable.”

Alex laughs. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m angry. I’m definitely angry and sad a majority of the time. But I’m also seeing a new therapist. Last time something like this happened I shut out Kara and it wasn’t good for either of us. I can’t afford to lose her, especially now.”

“How’s Kara doing?”

“She’s Kara. Trying to be strong, bringing me lots of pies from the place she knows I like in Chicago. Still saving National City. But you! What about you? You’re back in town now?”

“Yeah,” Maggie nods. “I took some long service leave and stayed with my aunt for a bit, but I’m back for the foreseeable future.”

Alex doesn’t miss the way Maggie speaks, a hopefulness in her voice that echoes Alex’s own feelings. 

“Do you wanna grab a coffee?” Alex asks. “I’m not working today, and I’ve been locked up in my apartment all morning.”

Maggie smiles. “I’d really like that.”

So they get coffee, and Alex remembers just how much she loves spending time with Maggie, how at home she feels in her presence. 

And she thinks maybe the tides are turning, maybe this is the upturn from rock bottom. Maybe having Maggie back as a friend will help her find her happiness again.

///

Lena’s not sure why Kara’s awake at 3.45am and texting her about their shared favorite film Casablanca, but she’s not going to look this particular gift horse in the mouth. She only sees the message because she’s still at the office, a habit she’s recently picked up again. Though now, it’s for a good reason: she’s busy divesting her portfolio. Most of her personal wealth is on the way out the door and into the pockets of charities and research trusts. She’s set up college funds and small inheritances for four hypothetical children -- her dream family.

In the month since she’s last seen Kara, Lena has changed. She wanted to be better, and now she is well on her way to being so. She started by upping all starting salaries, giving her lower level workers twenty five dollars an hour instead of the almost minimum wage bullshit they were getting before. Yeah, her own salary took a slash, but that didn’t matter anymore. She’d already reduced it to a livable wage, just enough to cover her monthly strata and apartment fees, and she’d actually made a  _ budget  _ to work out what she needed to live a modestly comfortable life. Her money was going into cancer research and climate change endeavours and underprivileged schools across America.

She feels good, she really does. She’s free from the pressure of stupid designer clothes, and she finally learned how to ride a bike (cutting out her limousine service had been a tough decision to make).

But she knows that this is only the beginning of being a better person. She’s started the process of shutting down LCorp’s arms and weaponry development, as well as putting even more funds into renewable energy and other worthwhile causes and she even meditates sometimes because it keeps her calmer and less likely to snap at people.

And she’s not doing it all for Kara. It feels good for herself, and she feels more serene than she has in her whole damn life. But she’s still excited when she gets a text from Kara at almost four in the morning that just reads ‘how fucking weird are tadpoles’. She doesn’t wait before replying, tapping out ‘super fucking weird’ as quickly as possible.

Their interactions go like that for a while, just texts back and forth at random times. Lena doesn’t mind, though. She likes to think that she crosses Kara’s mind a lot, that Kara’s thinking about her, that she still cares. Lena doesn’t want to push it, either. She remembers what she was like after Lionel died, she just needed space to learn how to exist in a world where her father no longer did. And all these years later, she’s still learning how to do that, how to exist in spaces without the ones she loves. She just prays that she’ll never have to learn how to exist without Kara.

///

Kara decides to bring Lena lunch on a whim. She’s in the area following a lead and she misses Lena more than she ever thought possible. When she gets a message from Alex telling her that Maggie is joining them for sisters night, Kara decides to allow herself to see Lena. If Alex is allowed to be happy, then so is Kara, even if Alex doesn’t approve of where that happiness comes from.

The look on Lena’s face when she sees Kara makes it all worth it.

“Kara, what are you doing here?” Lena says, standing from her desk. She crosses the room in just three strides, pulling Kara into a long overdue bearhug. 

“I was in the area, and I know that you think lunch is optional.” She holds up the bag of food she’s brought alone. “Burgers.”

“You’re an angel,” Lena says, taking the bag from her. They sit on the couch, a modest space between them as they start eating their food.

“How have you been?” Kara asks through a mouthful of burger.

“Busy,” Lena answers. “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re shutting down our weapons division, and we’re reshuffling a few things in production.”

“I did hear about that. And something about your own personal portfolio?”

Lena nods. “Going smaller. I’ve been… reevaluating things. Trying to be good.”

“You’ve always been good,” Kara says, making Lena blush.

“Trying to be better, then.” 

She seems happy, Kara thinks, or rather she seems a lot more at peace. God, Kara misses her. She hadn’t realised how much she misses Lena until she got a new taste of her. Lena makes her feel steady and safe, she makes her heart feel full with the need to be even closer than they already are.

“And how’s Alex?” Lena asks, breaking Kara from her daydreaming.

“She’s okay,” Kara says. “Maggie’s been back in town for a few weeks, and they seem to be reconnecting which is nice.”

“Do you think they’ll get back together?”

Kara shrugs. “Who knows with those two, they can be so oblivious sometimes.”

Lena laughs. “I wish I knew how to make things right with Alex.”

“You shouldn’t have to, she’s being stubborn,” Kara says, suddenly mad that her loyalty to her sister has cost her time she could’ve spent with Lena. “She thinks she’s doing philanthropic work with the DEO even though they’re a government black ops group tasked with causing more harm to aliens than good.”

Lena raises an eyebrow. “A bit cynical, are we?”

“Just frustrated,” Kara shrugs. “I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.”

She wishes she could tell Lena about her struggles as Supergirl, having to justify working for the DEO when she disagrees with so much of what goes on. And she knows Alex is trying to reform it, but does it have to happen  _ so slowly.  _ Not to mention, with Haley in the picture, Kara’s reminded of how much control the government truly has over the operation.

She wishes she could say a lot to Lena, that she was sorry they haven’t spoken in so long, that she wishes she hadn’t had to choose between her sister and her best friend. But she hopes that now she’ll be able to find a balance between the two, a way to have them both in her life. Nomadic, yes, flitting back and forth. But for Lena? It was worth it.

Lena has sauce on her face and her hands are a mess, so unlike the usual well-kept image she keeps. Kara smiles, her heart filled with love for her best friend.

It was always worth it for Lena.


	4. Simchat Torah - Receiving. Happiness.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Something Alex should know by now: if she’s happy, something’s about to go wrong.
> 
> Kara thinks that maybe she isn’t built for happiness.
> 
> Lena hopes she can hold onto this newfound joy for as long as she can."
> 
> ///
> 
> Maybe we wait for the next great disaster because we know it's inevitable.

_ The great joy generated by the giving of the Second Tablets has a dual nature: a) To fully appreciate that which one has, one must first lose it. b) The First Tablets were a gift from Above. Even before the world was created, the Divine master plan centered upon this great gift G‑d would bestow upon His nation. The Second Tablets, however, we earned.  _

\- Chabad.org regarding Simchat Torah

///

  
  


Something Alex should know by now: if she’s happy, something’s about to go wrong.

Because that’s what always happens, isn’t it?

She wouldn’t say she’s  _ happy _ , per se, her mother only died a few short months ago. But in the time since her loss, she’s been building herself up again, throwing herself into work and spending more time with Kara and reconnecting with Maggie. She’s settling into a comfortable space and things with Maggie seem to be going well. So aside from the residual pain every once in a while when she remembers that technically she is an orphan and she’ll never see her mother again, Alex is on her way to being happy.

And then Lena Luthor walks into her office.

Incidentally, this is the reason she never even wanted an office; she likes being hard to pin down. But when she was promoted, an office came with the job. It’s sparse, only a desk and a big leather chair, with some smaller chairs facing her and an American flag in the corner. Her desk is almost empty, save for her iPad and a family photo taken a few months after Kara landed. She doesn’t even look up when there’s a knock on the door, she just yells for whoever’s there to come in.

She smells Lena before she sees her, a distinct vanilla that Alex can sometimes spot on Kara after she’s ‘been to the gym’. And then, a millisecond later, she hears Lena’s weird accented lilt.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything, Alex.”

Alex sighs and looks up. She doesn’t feel like facing this today.

“It’s Director Danvers, actually.”

“Right,” she replies with a curt nod. “I have some things I’d like to discuss with you, Director Danvers.”

“We won’t have very long, I have a briefing in twenty minutes,” Alex says, only half lying. She had planned on skipping that briefing to get lunch with Maggie.

“I’ll get right to it then. I’m sure you’ve heard that LCorp is stopping all weapons manufacturing--”

“Oh, Ms. Luthor, we’re aware of everything that happens with you and LCorp,” Alex says with a saccharin smile, not attempting to hide the thinly veiled threat of surveillance. 

“I realised, though, that even if I were to stop making weapons, there would still be people out there profiting off of death and destruction.”

“I’m glad you’ve decided to grow a conscience, Lena,” Alex says, her voice thick with malice. “I wish it had come a few months sooner.” 

“I’ll cut to the chase,” Lena says, refusing to look away from Alex’s intense glare. “I want to work with the DEO, develop a line of non-lethal defense systems.”

“We tried that once,” Alex says, “it didn’t work.”

“That’s because you weren’t working with me,” Lena says, with only the smallest bit of smugness. “We develop it together. The DEO can take complete credit whilst using LCorp funds. We work out the kinks and keep your agents safe. The DEO will look great for its use of moral weaponry. We can start to implement it in different units: military, police forces. We can make a real change here.”

Alex leans forward on the desk. “And why should I trust you, Ms. Luthor?”

“This isn’t about trust, Director Danvers,” she says, emphasising Alex’s name. “This is business. And fostering an image for the DEO that you’re passionate about. This could be game changing. And you could be at the helm.”

“You’re only doing this to get back on my good side.”

“I’m doing this because I know it’ll be good for the future of our country and those in charge of protecting it.”

Alex regards her for a moment. They both know there’s no way she’s going to pass up the opportunity; funding from the government is already minimal and this would help them immeasurably.

“Fine. Have your people draw up some sort of contract.”

Lena smiles and stands up. “Done. I’ll get back to you ASAP.”

Alex, ever the professional, holds out her hand. Lena shakes it.

“Oh, and Alex?” she says. Alex raises an eyebrow. “Getting back on your good side is an added bonus.”

With that, Lena turns around and walks out the same way she came in. Alex sighs again. She guesses that yeah, she can trust Lena. That this is a good thing. But something settles in the pit of her stomach - intuition or maybe a premonition, who knows - that danger would find them soon enough. It always does.

///

Kara thinks that maybe she isn’t built for happiness.

Whenever she gets close enough to it, it finds a way to slither away. Always out of her reach, always unattainable.

And yeah, maybe she’s being overly dramatic, but that’s just what if feels like.

Because Lena Luthor is walking towards her. At the DEO. And Kara is in her civilian clothing, in a building filled with people who know she’s Supergirl. And one genius billionaire who still hasn’t figured it out. Not to mention, Lena and Alex’s track record of late hasn’t been the best. Kara’s been subjected to rants from Alex about Lena every time she reads the news. And Kara has felt - now more than ever - caught between her sister and her closest friend.

“Lena!” Kara says as she approaches. “What are you doing here??” She hugs her, feeling slightly relaxed when she smells that certain vanilla only Lena carries. 

“I could be asking you the same question,” Lena says. “Shouldn’t you be at Catco?”

“Uh, Alex and I are going to lunch.” An easy cover, sure, but with every passing moment she keeps lying to Lena, Kara feels guilt eat away at her. Lena is her best friend, she’s more than that. Sometimes Lena is the first person Kara thinks of most mornings, the last person she thinks of as she’s falling asleep. She would do anything for Lena. Her best friend. Kara shakes away the gnawing feelings creeping up through her stomach and into her heart.

“I don’t know why you bother meeting her here,” Lena says, oblivious to Kara’s inner turmoil. “Getting civilian clearance is an absolute nightmare.”

“Ha ha, yeah.” Kara cringes at her own fake laugh. She spots Alex frowning at them from down the hall, and Kara can’t be bothered with the rant she’s going to get from her sister. She’s been casually avoiding telling Alex about the time she spends with Lena knowing that Alex would see it as a personal attack against her.

“You all ready for Shabbos tomorrow?” Lena asks. In previous years, they’d celebrate it all together on the first and last nights. But for the first time in a long time, Lena will be left alone for the holiday.

“I haven’t thought about it much, to be honest. I think Alex invited Maggie over to make Challot tonight.”

“Danvers Secret Family Recipe, god, I miss that Challah.”

And then Kara decides to take a leap. She thinks of the old adage: it’ll be a lot easier to ask for Alex’s forgiveness than be denied her permission.

“You should come over,” Kara says. “We can make it a little party. Brainy’s gonna be there anyway, and I can ask Nia as well.”

“I don’t want to impose,” Lena says, clearly trying to be the more responsible one.

“I insist,” Kara says, putting a comforting hand on Lena’s arm. “It’s time Alex gets over herself.” Alex, as though she’s the one with superhuman hearing, walks towards them, a frown on her face.

“Speak of the devil,” Kara says as Alex approaches them.

“You two are going to have to vacate this hallway. We can’t have civilians loitering on government property like this.”

Kara rolls her eyes. “Come on, Alex. You’re being ridiculous.”

“Oh, me? I’m being ridiculous?”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Maybe this isn’t the best time--” Lena tries to intervene.

“No, this is the perfect time,” Kara says, shrugging her off. “I’m sick of feeling like I have to tiptoe around you and lie about my friendship with Lena.”

“Her weapon  _ killed _ our mother!” Alex says, her voice getting louder. “How could you want to be friends with that?”

“Because she didn’t kill Eliza!” Kara replies, matching Alex’s volume. “You have to stop blaming her for somebody else’s actions!”

“So you’re gonna tell me how to grieve now?”

“This isn’t grieving, Alex! This is a vendetta against Lena! She’s an easy target to let your frustrations out on!”

“You don’t get to talk to me like this!” Alex yells. “I am your superior-----”

///

Lena had been having a great day so far. 

She’d had a successful business meeting with Alex, and now she gets to see her favorite person in the entire world. She watches Kara as she talks, focusing on her lips - her soft, pink lips - wishing she could kiss her. God, she wishes she could kiss Kara, love Kara, in a very unplatonic way. The more time she spends with Kara, the more she realises: Lena is in love with her best friend, completely, utterly. And she wishes that she could just tell her already, take Kara in her arms and kiss her like she’s never kissed another before. Tell her that she is the sun and she is the moon and she is holds more light than any celestial being possibly could.

But instead she just makes some comment about challah and tries to decline a pity invite to pre-shabbos baking. 

“Her weapon  _ killed  _ our mother!” Alex yells, and Lena feels her face redden with the residual shame she feels. 

She’s tried - so hard - to move past the guilt she’s been trying so hard to get rid of. She doesn’t hear Kara’s reply. She tries to zone out, ignoring the back and forth between the sisters. 

“You don’t get to talk to me like this!” Alex yells. “I am your superior--”

An explosion rings out, the three of them falling to the floor. Lena hears a faint ringing in her ear, and her vision is marred by the dust and debris on her face. 

She knows she’s hit her head, because there’s a blinding pain and the edges of her vision blur. And she thinks she might be hallucinating, because Kara is carrying her bridal style like it’s no problem at hall.

She can see Kara mouth her name, but she can’t hear it. Kara looks scared, her eyes overflowing with tears, leaving muddy tracks on her dust-covered cheeks.

She wants to tell her that it’s okay, that she’s fine.

But instead she lets the darkness consume her.


	5. Chanukah - Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Lena, the reason is Kara.
> 
> It's always Kara.

“Greeks gathered against me   
then in Hasmonean days.   
They breached the walls of my towers   
and they defiled all the oils;   
And from the one remnant of the flasks   
a miracle was wrought for the roses.   
Men of insight - eight days   
established for song and jubilation.”

\- A stanza of Maoz Tzur, a traditional Chanukah song.

///

Lena wakes in a dark room.

There’s a dull ache in the back of her head, but she pushes through the pain and manages to sit up. She tries to remember what had been happening before the darkness.

The deal with the DEO. Kara fighting with Alex. An explosion. 

Her ears perk up; she can hear loud sounds coming from somewhere in the building, gunfire and yelling. She gets up slowly, and for the first time, looks at the room around her. She’s in Alex’s office, sparse and well hidden. She opens the bottom drawer of the desk and rifles through it.

“C’mon, Alex,” she mutters to herself. If she knows anything about Alex, it’s that she’s bound to find--

“Bingo.” She pulls a handgun from the drawer, checking it for bullets. If there’s one thing Lillian Luthor taught her, it was how to use a gun like a lady.

She opens the door of the office, and checks the hall. When she’s satisfied that it’s empty, she heads for the foyer, hoping to find Alex and Kara in good health. Going against pretty much every instinct in her body, she follows the sound of shots being fired, of the yelling and screaming. 

She spots a man in all black, and he spots her too, although a second too late. She shoots. He falls.

And then, for good measure, she takes his assault rifle. It’s advanced technology, something she’d expect to see as a prototype in her lab. But she doesn’t stop to think about it. She heads for her friends. 

///

The fight’s almost over, and Alex is glad.

Debris from the original explosion scatters the room, and still makes it a bit hard to breathe. Alex stares down at the bodies around her, mostly insurgents, but too many of her own colleagues. She wipes at her face, trying to remove a mixture of sweat and tears. 

“You there, Supergirl?” she says into her earpiece, and seconds later, Supergirl is by her side.

“Finished the sweep,” she says, “and it looks like we’ve got them all.”

“We’ll leave the captured in holding for a while, let ‘em sweat it out. Then we’ll find out everything they know.”

“Vasquez said there’s about five of them in different cells. They’re under total surveillance.”

Alex breathes a sigh of relief, knowing that her friend is safe. Kara puts a hand on her shoulder.

“We’ll figure out who was behind this,” she says. Alex knows Kara is trying to make her feel better, but it’s not working. All she wants is to go home to Maggie, to hold her close and never let go.

“I have a video call with the President in twenty minutes,” Alex sighs. “I should go prepare.”

“Get cleaned up,” Kara replies, “you smell like crap.”

Alex laughs. “You’re not much better.” Kara hugs her, and this time it works, Alex is starting to feel a little better, despite the exhaustion that is weighing her down.

And then it happens in slow motion.

A sound from behind them makes them both whirl around. They spot one of the intruders, a gun pointed straight at them both, an evil smile on his face.

“This green bullet’s for you, Supergirl. Pure Kryptonite, baby.”

A shot rings out. Alex pushes Kara to the floor, and clenches her eyes shut, ready to take the bullet for her.

_ I love you, Maggie _ , she thinks.

But it never hits her. She opens her eyes slowly, and looks up.

Lena Luthor stands behind the now dead man, a grim look on her face.

“Villains waste an awful amount of time monologuing, don’t they?” she says, deadpanned. And Alex wishes she weren’t in shock, just so she could laugh at the joke.

Lena crosses the room, and holds out a helping hand. Alex takes it, and Lena hoists her off the ground. 

“You saved her life,” Supergirl says.

“She would’ve done the same for me. Hell, she tried to do the same for you.”

“Thank you, Lena,” Alex says, and Lena rolls her eyes.

“Let’s not make this a thing, okay?”

Alex nods in agreement. She holds out her hand, and Lena regards it for a moment, before shaking it.

It’s small, but she knows that the animosity between them is gone now, in the way that happens when you experience a shared trauma.

“Where’s Kara?” Lena asks, looking around, as though she’s suddenly realised she’s not there.

“I, um, managed to get her evacuated,” Alex says. “I think she headed back to Catco to write up a report or something.” Lena misses the look that Supergirl throws at Alex. And Alex knows she’s going to get hell from Kara for making even more work for her to do.

“If you see her, tell her I say thank you for carrying me to safety earlier.”

Alex smirks. “Will do.”

“And with that,” Lena sighs, “I’m going to head home for a bubble bath.”

She turns and walks away without saying goodbye. 

There’s something she can’t quite put her finger on, about Kara being strong enough to carry her to safety like she did. About Kara being evacuated but Lena being left behind. It’s as though there’s a piece of the puzzle she’s missing, something that’ll make everything else make sense. 

But she decides to leave her worries for another day.

///

Lena’s apartment is bathed in the soft pinks of sunset, glowing with the last of the day’s light. 

There’s a certain surrealness to returning, an absurdity she can’t quite put her fingers on. This morning she had left with the hopes of mending her friendship with Alex, or at least, the beginnings of something like that. She had been optimistic, excited to further her various business projects, and now she’s covered in soot and debris and her soul aches right alongside her bones.

She doesn’t think she’s ever had a longer day. She’s completely exhausted, as though all of the energy she’s ever had has seeped out of her across all space and time. She pours herself a generous glass of whiskey, hoping to numb some of the aches and pains, hoping that maybe if she has enough it’ll knock her out for a decent amount of time.

“You’re not going to offer me a drink?” A voice says from her living room, and it cuts through Lena, piercing her in her heart. 

For the first time, she notices her brother Lex, sitting on the couch. He looks out of the window that takes up the entire west wall of her apartment.

“Alexander,” she says stiffly, leaning against the kitchen counter. “I didn’t realise you were here.”

He snorts. “Full naming me, Lena? You’re more like Mom than you’ll ever admit.”

“I am nothing like her.”

“Calm down, I was just trying to joke.” He smiles, but Lena can see right through it. It’s just slightly jilted, slightly less than genuine. She knows it well.

“Busy day?” he asks, but Lena knows he doesn’t give a shit. She wishes he’d just come out with what he wants already. And then Lena remembers that she’s not sixteen anymore and she doesn’t have to play her brother’s silly roundabout games.

“What do you want?” she asks. “I’ve had a long day and I’d love it if you could get to the fucking point.”

The smile falls from his face. “Maybe you’d find your days easier if you didn’t associate with alien apologists.”

“You attacked the DEO,” she says, not surprised in the slightest.

“To send them and you a message.”

Lena rolls her eyes. “Maybe next time just send me an email.”

“You think this is funny?” he asks, getting off the couch. He inches slightly toward her. “You running my company into the ground?”

“You mean our father’s company? The one I salvaged after you decided to go haywire and threaten America’s Sweetheart, Superman?”

“I took a stand for what is right!”

“You took a stand for hatred! You used to make fun of Mother and Father for their narrow minded views and then you turned into them.”

“I’d rather turn into them than into whatever pathetic piece of shit you’ve become. We could’ve been the most powerful siblings in the world. Instead I’m saddled with you, Supergirl’s little lackey bitch.”

“I want to be better,” Lena whispers, anger quietly coursing through her. “I want to be better than this family ever was. You. Are a terrible person. And you’re going to die alone, withering away with nothing and nobody beside you. I’ll make sure of it.”

He starts toward her, her own anger reflected in his wild eyes. But Lena’s quicker. She draws a gun taped underneath the kitchen counter.

“You taught me that one; ‘You’re the most vulnerable in your own home. Change that,’” she quotes.

Lex laughs. “You’re a coward, Lena, and you always have been. And once I’m finished here, I’m going to make sure that there’s no disgusting sympathisers left for you to associate with. Those Danvers sisters are at the top of my list. Who’s your friend? Kara?”

“You don’t know anything about the Danvers.”

“I know that their bitch of a mother was one of leading scientist in the Federal Alien Health Initiative. And I wish I had pulled the fucking trigger on that huge fucking gun myself. But you know how much I love delegating.”

“You. You’re why she’s dead.”

“No, she’s dead because of the risk she poses to humanity, and her daughters will be next. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me. Because you’ll never have th--”

Lena places the gun gently on the kitchen counter, and picks up her phone instead.

“I’d like to report an intruder,” she says softly. “Yes. I’m safe. But he’s dead.”

As the sun sets and brings National City into darkness, a puddle of red stains Lena’s white carpet. Lex Luthor lies at an awkward angle, a dark bullet hole directly over his heart. 

Lena stares down at her brother, the anger seeping away and being replaced by numbness.

She pours herself more whiskey.

///

When Lena was thirteen, Veronica Sinclair’s father took them both hunting. It was during Christmas break the year after Lionel died, and Lena hadn’t wanted to go home. Lex had opted to stay in Metropolis and there was no way she was subjecting herself to Lillian’s company. 

Mr Sinclair looked like a wrestler, with more muscles than Lena had ever seen on a person. He wore suits that pulled tight across his biceps, with tacky pinstripes that were too far apart. Lena thought it strange that he wore a suit as they hunted, but then again, she had only ever held a gun at Mother’s gun range. Veronica had yet to hit her growth spurt. She was just as tall as Lena, and with childhood chubbiness lingering in her cheeks. And whenever Lena looked at her, she felt a pang, one she had not yet learned to associate with romantic feelings. 

Veronica found it easy to shoot at the animals, second nature almost. She reminded Lena of a lioness striking down its prey, grace in her limbs and a fire in her eyes. Lena on the other hand, was struggling. Her finger rested above the trigger, unwilling to pull it. When she thinks back, Lena feels embarrassed as she watched Veronica sink bullet after bullet into animals, whilst she just stood there doing nothing. But Lena couldn’t bring herself to do it, no matter what she tried. She couldn’t bring herself to be the one who ended the animals’ lives. Finally, Mr. Sinclair stood directly behind her. He lay his body over hers, his beefy arms guiding her gangly ones. He laid his hands atop of hers, and helped her aim the gun at a fox some distance away.

And then, together, they pulled the trigger. And Lena burst into tears.

What had changed in her?

She stands on her office balcony, nursing a glass of her most expensive whiskey. The ice clanks against the side of the glass, falling victim to the tremor in her hands. Maybe she should be mourning; she just killed her own brother, another family member slaughtered by her own hand. 

She had killed her own brother. Why, because he had threatened her life? She’d seen much worse than that, she knew how to talk her way out of anything. Why had she been so quick to pull the trigger on Lex?

She knows why. She can feel the reason weighing heavily on her chest, making it harder and harder to breathe with every passing moment she stood there.

It’s Kara. It’s always Kara.

She hadn’t cared about her own safety for a second. She only pulled the trigger once he had threatened Kara’s life, once her name had passed through his unworthy lips. Maybe it’s time to admit it to herself. Maybe it’s time she finally let go of the pain that boxing everything up has caused her for so long.

“I love her,” Lena whispers into the wind. Her voice, softer than it’s ever been, sounds foreign to her, as though someone else is saying the words. But there’s nobody else there, it’s just her and her whiskey and the remains of the day still etched into her muscles.

A timid knock on the balcony door pulls her out of her head. She whirls around, having not expected to see anybody this late at night. Nobody is supposed to know where she is; she had left her apartment as an active crime scene and declined police protection.

But of course Kara knows where to find her. She stands in the doorway, her hair hanging loose around her shoulders. Lena can see the pity in her eyes, even from where she stands and she wants to yell.  _ Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t need your pity. I don’t want it.  _

“Hey,” is all Kara says. And Lena wants to cry. Because when she sees Kara -- beautiful, beautiful Kara -- she finally feels everything she’s been trying to avoid. It all hits her at once, the feelings she’s been denying, the attack on the DEO, Lex lying in a pool of blood on the floor of her living room. 

Instead she settles for a

“Hey yourself.”

“I heard about what happened, Maggie told me,” Kara says as she steps onto the balcony. She stands by Lena’s side, looking over the ledge and down at the city below. For a moment, they don’t speak, they just stand in amidst the sounds of the city below them.

“Do you ever wish we could just stay up here forever?” Kara asks wistfully. “Just the two of us, staring down at them all?”

Lena doesn’t respond, but she’s sure Kara doesn’t expect her to. So she continues.

“Sometimes being with you doesn’t feel like real life. To have somebody as amazing and kind and thoughtful as you in my life? It just… Every day, every day I remind myself that I’m lucky to be your friend.”

Out the corner of her eye, Lena can see Kara staring at her. She reaches out, and turns Lena’s shoulders, making her face her.

“We can stay up here for as long as you want. We can go anywhere you need to go. But when you have to return to real life, we’ll go together. You’ll always have me to help you through whatever you need. Okay?”

And Lena wants to tell her,  _ I don’t deserve you. _ She wants to tell Kara that she loves her more than her heart can bear, that she dreams of holding her and kissing her and touching her more than she would ever admit. She wants to tell Kara that she is the sole reason Lena wants to be good, that she is her reason for everything good in her life and she will spend an eternity fighting to be in Kara’s life by any means necessary.

But Lena can’t say any of that. 

And she’s already had a fucking crazy night.

So she leans in close to Kara, and she kisses her. She kisses her and hopes that Kara will know what she’s trying to say.

_ I love you. I love you. I love you. _

Kara’s lips are soft and giving, and Lena can taste mint on her breath, with just a bit of saltiness. She wonders momentarily if she’s crying, but when they eventually pull apart, she sees tears running down Kara’s cheeks, leaving watery tracks in their wake. 

“Lena,” Kara starts, but Lena holds up her hand and shakes her head.

“We’re not in the real world, remember?”

Kara shakes her head, her bittersweet smile breaking Lena’s heart.

“I’m not who you think I am, Lena, and I need to tell you the truth.”

“You’re Kara. And all I need to know is that you’re right here.” Lena grabs Kara’s hands and squeezes them tightly. “Please.”

She shakes her head again, and it’s as though Lena knows what’s happening before it even happens. Kara slips out of Lena’s grip and undoes her top button and the next one.

“No,” Lena says, her voice wavering. She reaches out again, and stops Kara’s hand. “Don’t,” she begs her. Don’t change her life anymore than it already has. Don’t ruin this moment. 

Kara unbuttons a third button, and Lena sees the blue and red suit peeking out from underneath it. She undoes more. 

The symbol of the House of El peers out at her, almost glowing in the darkness, a beacon of hope and deception etched into the night. 

Kara takes a deep breath, and Lena feels her own breathing stop, caught in her lungs and unwilling to budge.

They stand on top of the world, teetering on the precipice, and Lena feels as though she’s already tumbling towards the ground.

“I am Supergirl.”

  
  
  



	6. Purim - Hiding and Revealing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It made more sense to me than anything ever has before. And the more I say it, the more true it feels. I’m in love with Lena Luthor.”
> 
> ///
> 
> Kara prays for a miracle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is late (it was shabbos)
> 
> next chapter will be up later on, back to the regular schedule.

“ **The name "Esther," from the Hebrew word for "concealment,"** conveys the essence of the Purim story. On Purim the salvation came about in what could be perceived as a series of coincidences. On Purim divine salvation came "from below," disguised in ordinary events. Purim celebrates the fact that our relationship with God also pervades the most ordinary, everyday details of our lives.

  * Bnei Yissachar, commentary on Megillat Esther 2:7



_ /// _

_ “I’m Supergirl.” _

Numbness engulfs her, spreading over her body. The night gets darker, the wind gets colder, and Lena feels as though she stands in nothingness, alone and unable to breathe. She can’t think, she can’t feel; all she can do is look at Kara’s chest.

Supergirl’s chest. 

Kara rests a hand on Lena’s cheek, and Lena looks up and into her blue, restless eyes. Lena reaches up and - so very slowly - takes off Kara’s glasses, and everything finally sinks in. Time slows as she looks into Kara’s eyes, this time without the eyeglass in the way. They bore into her with their intense stare, as Kara searches for an answer in Lena’s silence.

It’s strange, Lena thinks, that so much of their relationship has been defined by the words that were left unsaid; t has been the silences that form them more than anything else.

Kara is Supergirl. Deep down, in the recesses of her psyche, Lena already knew this truth. But it doesn’t stop the shock of seeing it in front of her. Her best friend has been lying her for so long, playing her for the fool she really is.

Her heart hardens, calcified with the betrayal that courses through her.

“Please,” Kara says. “Say something.”

“Go,” Lena says, her voice dry. “Just. Just go.”

“Lena,” Kara pleads. “We need to talk about this.”

“Leave!” she yells, throwing her glass of whiskey to the ground. It shatters, a million glistening fragments hitting the paved ground, shattering the silences that once stood tall around them.

“I never meant to hurt you,” Kara whispers, tears streaming down her face now. Lena straightens her shoulders and stands up tall, as though defending herself and the life she has built.

“Well,” she says, coldly. “That just makes you careless, as well as a liar.”

She turns away from Kara, refusing to look back at her. And then finally, there’s a small ‘whoosh’, and when she turns around again, Lena is alone on the balcony.

Kara has flown away into the starry night sky.

And only then does Lena allow herself to cry.

///

Alex knew a long time ago that she wanted to marry Maggie Sawyer. Even in the early days of their friendship there was something that drew them towards each other, the promise that they would be in each other’s lives for a very long time. And then, for one reason or another, things didn’t work out. 

_ Sometimes timing just isn’t right _ , her mother had told her at the time.  _ But if it’s meant to be, you’ll find your ways back to each other. _

Alex knows she’s found her way back to Maggie for good when she finds her slumped over asleep outside her apartment. She sits on the floor, her back resting against the wooden door, snoring softly. And Alex feels the familiar pangs of love knock into her, an unadulterated adoration for the woman in front of her, so small and peaceful in her sleep. Alex crouches beside her, and gently shakes her shoulder.

“Hey, Maggie. Wake up.”

Maggie’s eyes open slowly, and they turn from confusion to happiness as she spots Alex and realises where she is. Alex has to hold back a laugh at the dopey grin on Maggie’s face. 

“Danvers, hey,” she says, stretching her arms. Alex helps her to her feet.

“What’re you doing here? It’s late.”

Alex opens her door and ushers Maggie inside. Alex heads straight for the fridge, in dire need of a good beer after the day she’s had. She hands one to Maggie who accepts it gratefully. 

“I saw the explosion on the news, and I was worried,” Maggie says. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“You could’ve just texted me,” Alex smiles. “You didn’t have to fuck up your neck sleeping against my door like that.”

Maggie shrugs. “I wanted to see you were okay with my own two eyes.”

Alex stretches out her arms like a starfish, making sure Maggie can see her.

“Tadah,” she says, “I’m fine.”

Maggie puts her beer on the counter and takes the few steps towards Alex. Alex freezes up, her arms still stretched out. Maggie stands directly in front of her, and Alex can see the freckles on her nose, she can see her own reflection in Maggie’s dark brown eyes. And she can see Maggie hesitate for just a second. For a moment, Alex thinks Maggie’s going to kiss her, but instead, Maggie puts her arms around Alex’s body, her head resting against Alex’s chest. She squeezes tightly. And ever so slowly, Alex lowers her arms, and reciprocates the hug.

They stand like that, together, for far longer than either of them are willing to admit.

But nothing feels more natural, Alex thinks, than being in Maggie’s arms, feeling the rise and fall of her chest with every breath she takes, the smell of her hair nestled so close to Alex’s nose.

They stand together, and Alex can feel Maggie’s heart beat. And with every beat, Alex thinks the same thing, over and over again.

_ I love you, I love you, I love you _ .

///

In the months that follow the DEO attack, the Danvers sisters feel themselves head in an opposite trajectory.

Alex feels as though her life is full again. She misses her parents terribly, and she knows she always will, but she’s happy nonetheless. She and Maggie are stuck in limbo, unsure how to move forward to somewhere safe for them. Stuck in a newly-sort-of-dating again hell that makes no sense for two people so desperately in love with one another. But Alex doesn’t want to push her too far too soon, not again. So she waits, because she knows she has forever with Maggie.

Kara, on the other hand, is barely getting by.

She hasn’t moved from the couch all weekend, and she thinks she might go into rigor mortis soon. Which she’d be totally fine with, because there’s not much reason for her to be moving anyway. With Lex Luthor dead, it’s as though the whole world has entered into a place of zen; crime is down and pro-alien rhetoric is on the rise once again. There’s not much use for Supergirl.

And with Lena still not speaking to her, Kara feels like there’s not much use for Kara Danvers, either.

The door opens without warning, and she hears Alex call out hello. She follows the sounds of Alex pottering around the kitchen, before wandering over to the couch. 

“Watcha doin, Kara?” Alex asks, with faux positivity in her voice.

“Watching TV.”

“The TV’s not even on.”

Kara glances up and sees the blank screen. Huh. She could’ve sworn she was watching something at some point.

“Oh.”

“Kara,” Alex says, sitting down by her feet. “You need to get out of this funk.”

“I’m not in a funk.”

“Yes you are.”

“Why would I be in a funk? I have no reason to be in a funk. I’m funkless.”

Alex pulls on her arm, forcing her to sit up. Kara sees her for the first time properly, and she looks annoyingly happy. Despite the concerned expression, there’s a certain glow about her, a twinkle in her eyes that Kara can easily guess the source of.

“So I guess things with Maggie are going well.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Alex, look at yourself. Love suits you.”

Alex sighs, relieved. “Things are going great, actually. Kara -” she stops short, as though she’s censoring herself.

“What’s up?”

Alex doesn’t respond. Kara puts her hand on her knee.

“You can tell me.”

“I think I want to propose to Maggie again.”

Well Kara wasn’t expecting that. “You don’t think it’s too soon?”

“I don’t know,” Alex replies. “Jumping back to newly dating feels weird. We already know each other, we already know that we’re serious about this. I want to marry her. I want to be with her forever.”

“Oh Alex,” Kara smiles, throwing her arms around her sister and hugging her tightly. She feels Alex tap on her shoulder, and she knows she’s squeezed too tightly. Whoops.

“Why haven’t you asked her yet?” Kara asks as they pull apart.

“Honestly?” Kara nods. “I didn’t want to upset you.”

Kara feels her heart break. She feels her cheeks burn red as Alex’s pity washes over her.

“Alex, all I want is for you to be happy. Why would I be upset?”

Alex hesitates. “Because you can’t be with Lena.”

“That’s different,” Kara says, ignoring the lump forming in her throat. “Lena and I are just friends.”

“But it would be okay. If she was more than that. It’s okay.”

Kara jumps up, and paces, because pacing is what she does best. She’s not angry at Alex for suggesting it, but she’s confused. Because what Alex said makes sense. She loves Lena, she’s always loved Lena. Her best friend Lena. Lena, her best friend. But the way her heart beats so wildly in her chest, the way she wants to scream until her muscles seize; maybe this is more than best friend stuff.

“I’m… I’m gonna go for a fly,” she tells Alex.

“Are you okay?”

Kara nods. “I’m fine. And I’m really genuinely happy for you and Maggie. I just. I gotta figure some stuff out.”

“Okay. See you later?”

Kara bends down and kisses the top of Alex’s head, before flying out her back window.

There’s somebody she needs to see.

///

The chanukiah sits on a table in front of Alex’s glass balcony door, waiting to be used again. Last night’s melted wax spread beneath it like a tentacled creature, caked into the intricate crevices of the silver menorah. Maggie sits, defeated by the wax, on the couch, a cold beer the only thing keeping her calm. Alex opens the door, and puts a pastry box on the kitchen counter. She makes a beeline for the couch, kissing Maggie, and sitting beside her. She takes the beer from her hand and drinks some. 

“Not a wise choice right now,” Maggie warns. “I’m at war with the candle wax all over the table.”

“Good thing this holiday is all about a war, then.” Maggie glares at her, and Alex kisses her again. She jumps up and starts cleaning the waxy mess that had defeated Maggie.

She can feel Maggie’s eyes follow her as she works, and she smirks, throwing in a little bicep flexing to keep her interested.

Maggie clears her throat. “So, uh, have you spoken to your sister yet?”

“Yeah,” Alex says. “We had a good talk.”

“So she knows we’re engaged?” Alex looks over at Maggie, who’s inspecting the engagement ring that sits on her finger.

“Not yet. She knows I want to ask you to marry me.”

“You asked me two weeks ago.”

“This is true.”

“I just.. I don’t want to feel like you’re backing out on this. I know how you get when you’re overwhelmed, especially when it comes to Kara.”

Alex gently puts down the menorah, wipes the wax debris off her hands and walks over to the couch. She crouches down in front of Maggie, resting her hands on Maggie’s thighs. 

“I’m not backing out of this, Maggie,” she says, trying to inject every ounce of love she feels into the words she’s saying. “I lost you once before, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I’m never letting go of you again, no matter what. You’re stuck with me.”

“Eugh,” Maggie says, rolling her eyes playfully. “Forever?”

“And ever,” Alex laughs.

Maggie leans forward and kisses Alex. Every kiss, Alex thinks, is just as good and heartstopping as their first. And every time, she can’t believe that she gets to be lucky enough to love Maggie Sawyer.

///

Lena’s starting to regret having a balcony. 

Because it’s almost as if every time she steps onto it, in the hopes of having a quiet moment to herself, she comes face to face with Supergirl.

Or, rather, Kara. 

She lands with a small thud. It’s the first time Lena’s seen her use her powers in civilian clothing, slightly dishevelled from the wind, but still breathtakingly gorgeous. Lena hates how fucking hot she is.

“You don’t have clearance to be here.”

“Lena--”

“Should I call security, make up some ridiculous excuse about how you got up here without signing in?”

“We need to talk.”

“Too bad. I have nothing to say to you.”

“Just, please, let me explain.”

“Explain what, Kara?” Lena almost yells, and she lets the Luthor venom loose. “How you’ve been lying to me for years? Probably laughing about it all behind my back? Why didn’t you tell me the truth? Is it because it was more convenient to have me not know?”

“I was scared--”

“Oh, bullshit. God, you’re really something aren’t you? The world’s best liar. You could say anything to try to get me to forgive you, to get me to do something for you. Is that why you’re here? Need me to swear to keep my mouth shut? Or is it just to lie some more?”

“I’m here because I’m in love with you!” Kara shots, throwing her hands up in defeat. To her credit, Lena stops pacing, and the anger looks like it’s been slapped off her face.

“I’m in love with you,” Kara says. “And I think… I think you might be in love with me, too.” 

“Don’t be stupid,” Lena whispers, her eyes glistening with tears, as though she thinks it’s anything but.

“I mean, I’ve always loved you. You’re my best friend, the best friend I’ve ever had. But then it’s like...” Kara takes a shaky breath in the hopes it’ll calm her down. It doesn’t work. “I hurt, when I’m not with you. Like, I physically hurt, not just my heart or my soul or whatever. I can feel it in my bones. In my flesh. Ew, that’s a gross word. Forget I said that. But it’s true. When I’m not near you, it’s like my body’s just fighting to be close to you again, like I’m going through withdrawal or something. All I want is to be near you, all I need. And when I can’t be with you? Sometimes it’s like I’m gonna die. Because what’s the point of doing anything or being anybody if I can’t be with you?

“And I… I was scared. I am scared, of- of what this is. But then I said it out loud for the first. I said, ‘I’m in love with Lena Luthor.’ And it made more sense to me than anything ever has before. And the more I say it, the more true it feels. I’m in love with Lena Luthor.”

Kara takes a step forward to Lena. Both of them have tears streaming down their cheeks, and god, Kara wishes she could read Lena’s mind right now.

“I’m in love with Lena Luthor,” she says again, taking another step. “I’m in love with Lena Luthor.

She takes one last step, until she stands nose to nose with Lena. Kara can see the fear in Lena’s eyes, the uncertainty. Kara’s not sure, either. In fact, she’s terrified. But she needs this to happen.

“I’m in love with you,” she whispers. She leans down, inching closer and closer to Lena. Her lips hover just above Lena’s, a crackle of electricity between them, lightning threatening to strike them both down. Kara closes her eyes, but the kiss never comes. She opens her eyes to see that Lena has stepped back, shaking her head.

“You lied to me, Kara,” she says, her voice breaking. “You made me feel foolish and just so stupid. Am I that untrustworthy? You betrayed me.”

“Lena, I will regret not telling you about this for the rest of my life. But I can’t not talk to you anymore. It almost killed me last time. I don’t think I’ll survive much longer of this.

“I can’t go back,” Lena says softly. “I just can’t go back to whatever it was like before. Everything’s different now.”

“It’s not,” Kara pleads. “You’re the same. I’m- I’m the same person I’ve always been.”

Lena shakes her head. Kara reaches out with her superspeed, and takes Lena’s hand, placing it on her chest.

“You feel this?” Kara says, of her heart beating wildly in her chest. “This heart is Kara Danvers. It hasn’t changed, not one bit.”

“You’re right. I’m the same. I’m still a Luthor. But you? You’re a Super now.” Lena smiles sadly. “And you know what they say about Luthors and Supers.”

“Nothing I say will change your mind, will it?”

“All I feel when I look at you is hurt,” Lena says simply.

Kara steps back one more time. She takes in what’s before her: Lena, kind, lovely, beautiful Lena. Lena, whom she loves more than she could ever begin to explain. Lena, whom she doesn’t know when she’ll see again.

“I hope,” Kara says, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I hope one day you can forgive me. Because I’ll be waiting for you. I’ll never stop waiting and I’ll never stop praying for you to come back into my life. You’re all I’ll ever want.”

Lena doesn’t reply, instead wiping the tears from her cheeks. Kara raises her hand, giving her a tiny wave, before flying off into the evening.

Later that night, she’ll be surprised with her sister’s engagement, and she’ll put on the best performance of her life as she pretends to be happy. And she’ll light the Chanukah candles and sing all the songs and tell funny stories from when they were little. 

And then, she’ll fly across National City’s skies, peering down and looking at all of the chanukiot in the windows of apartments and houses, tiny specks of light in the darkness of night. And she’ll fly passed Lena’s office, looking at her chanukiah shining as brightly as ever from the tall building. She’ll watch as it flickers, and she’ll think of hope, and she’ll pray.

Finding Lena, having her in Kara’s life, it had already been a miracle.

And now, she’ll be hoping for another one, one that will bring them back together.


	7. Pesach - Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know she hurt you. But I also know that you and Kara, you’re meant to be, whether it be best friends or something more than that. And sooner or later, I know you’re gonna find your way back to each other. "
> 
> ///
> 
> Time passes. Wounds heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the whole not-seeing-each-other-for-a-week thing is a jewish wedding custom that felt weird to explain in a story where everyone's jewish lol so if u have any more questions feel free to message me on tumblr @murdershegoat

“Why is this night different from all other nights?”

-Ma Nishtana, a song from the Pesach seder.

///

_ One Year Later _

///

The streets of National City sparkle with Christmas decorations and a general holiday cheer. Storefronts add tinsel and trees pop up in malls and Santas are out in full force as the countdown begins to the holidays.

But Kara doesn’t have time to enjoy the holiday spirit. Not with the wedding she’s planning. She needs it to be the event of the season, bigger than Christmas and bigger than Chanukah (which is  _ unfair _ , seeing as it’s eight days long). She lugs around a binder titled ‘Lesbian Wedding Bible’ and she yells at Alex a lot and debates with Maggie over flower arrangements.

“You guys asked me to plan this wedding,” Kara says for what feels like the thousandth time. “Stop fighting my decisions!”

They sit in Kara’s living room, drinking wine - Alex, Maggie, Kara and Nia, who’s been helping Kara with some of the planning. The binder sits on the coffee table, pristine and imposing on the rest of the room. The chanukiah glistens on the windowsill, shining down on National City.

“We didn’t so much ask you as you threatened to laser beam us,” Alex says, rolling her eyes.

Kara shrugs. “Either way, here we are.”

“Who would’ve thought that in the wedding of two control freak lesbians neither of us are the bridezilla,” Maggie says, and Alex snorts into her drink.

“I am NOT a bridezilla!” Kara says, her voice bordering on shrieking. She whirls round to Nia who sits in the armchair. “Am I a bridezilla, Nia?”

“Uh…. no?” she says, sounding entirely unconvinced.

Alex laughs loudly. “God, you’ve got your assistant trained well there.”

“I’m not her assistant,” Nia says at the same time Kara says, “She’s not my assistant.”

“Follows you around, does everything you ask her to do,” Alex says, counting on her fingers. “God, all you have to do is get her name wrong a couple of ties and you’re basically Cat Grant.”

“Being Cat Grant would be an honor,” Kara says, straightening her back. “Nay, it would be a privilege.” 

“And with that,” Maggie says as she stands up, “it’s time to call it a night.”

Alex and Maggie bid their farewells and leave Kara and Nia hashing out the last few details of the rehearsal dinner.

“Rehearsal dinners are weird,” Nia says with a frown. “Like, do you really need to practice how to eat?”

“Maggie insisted on it, but yeah, I think I agree with you,” Kara says. “But it’s kind of fun? They get one night together before they can’t see each other for a week. And then the first time they see each other again it’s at the wedding ceremony? It’s really romantic if you think about it.”

“I’m surprised Alex went so traditional with the whole thing,” Nia says. “She really is a big softie at heart, huh?”

Kara laughs. “Just never say that to her face.”

“I think we better call this a night, I have a million things to do tomorrow,” Nia says. “Rehearsal Dinner Eve is the new most important holiday on my calendar.”

“Hey, Nia,” Kara says, “I’m not being too Cat Grant on you, right? I’m not too mean?”

Nia smiles. “Kara, I’m helping you out with the wedding because we’re friends. You’re planning a wedding, you’re working at Catco, and you manage to save the world like every other week. Stop worrying about if you’re being nice enough; you’re one of the best people I know.”

“You always manage to say the right thing, huh?”

“It’s a gift, what can I say?” She stands up and hugs Kara. “This rehearsal dinner is gonna be great. This wedding is gonna be amazing. You need to chill just like a tiny bit.”

“Go get some sleep,” Kara says. Nia wishes her a happy Chanukah and leaves. And for the first time that night, Kara is alone. She stares at the chanukiah as the oil gets lower and lower in their little glass cups, and she imagines that somewhere, her best friend might be doing the same thing. 

Her best friend, to whom she has not spoken, nor seen, in a year. 

Kara picks up her phone from the coffee table, her finger hovering over the screen. Is this a bad idea? She decides that it’s late and the minimal wine she’s consumed will give her a good enough cover story for her stupidity, and she dials a familiar number, one she’s had memorised for years. It goes straight to voicemail, because of course it does, and Kara feels a strange lump in her throat when she hears Lena’s recorded voice.

“Hi, uh, hi Lena. I know it’s been a while since I left a message, but uh… I just wanted to tell you that I was thinking of you tonight, when we lit the menorah. Actually, I’m pretty always thinking of you. I miss you, and I hope you’re doing well. Happy Chanukah.”

She wishes she could say more, like how she years of Lena, of her touch and her smell and her taste. She wishes she could tell her that despite the time that’s gone by, each day feels like a struggle without Lena with her.

She wishes she could say a lot, but instead she goes to bed, knowing that at least she can see Lena in her dreams.

///

The voicemail really throws her off. 

She’s been doing perfectly fine in Metropolis, growing LCorp and working with the DEO on their joint project from her side of the country. She goes to yoga now and she quit drinking coffee. She’s happy. Totally happy. Completely happy.

Except that she’s still sort of not. 

Yeah, living in Metropolis has been good for her, and it’s been quite fun. But Lena feels an ache in her chest every time her mind wanders to Kara, which happens a lot more often than she’d care to admit.

And then Kara goes and leaves her a voicemail and sounds like  _ that  _ on the phone, and Lena decided to skip yoga in the morning and she asked Jess to bring her a hazelnut latte which she drank in less than ten minutes.

So fuck Kara Danvers.

But also  _ fuck _ , Kara Danvers. 

A knock on her office door makes her sigh with relief, knowing that at least she’ll be distracted for a while. She yells at whoever it is to come in, looking up from the work on her desk.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding,” she says. 

“Not the warm welcome I was expecting,” says Alex as she takes off her big winter coat.

“Like, hi, how are you, but also why are you here? You’re not supposed to be working on anything until after the honeymoon.”

“I can’t come to say hello?”

“Well it’s just, you’re getting married in a week.”

“A week and one day.”

“Right. And you’re in Metropolis because….”

“Because you RSVP’d ‘not attending’ to my wedding.”

Lena rolls her eyes. She doesn’t want to relive the week it took her to make that decision.

“I know a pity invite when I see one,” she says.

“It’s not a pity invite, you idiot,” Alex says, “I invited you because you’re my colleague whom I very much respect and have enjoyed working with on the DEO Defence line. Also, we used to be sort of friends. Which is also why I’m here. I was a bad friend.”

“Alex--”

“No, let me say this. I’m getting married and this is pretty much the only thing I can think about, which is a travesty.”

“I always knew you were in love with me,” Lena jokes.

“I never apologised for anything I did. I took my grief and I projected my anger onto you--”

“So your new therapist is good then,” Lena mutters.

“You didn’t deserve any of it. And then when you went through everything with Lex--”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Stop interrupting me. You went through so much alone and I’m so sorry that I was a part of that.”

“You’re not why I was alone. You’re not the one who lied to me about their identity for years.”

“But I created a rift between you two. I made her choose between us which is fucked up. And I should’ve encouraged her to confide in you long before she did.”

“Well,” Lena says, stiffly wiping a tear from her eye. “That’s enough about all that. Apology accepted and forgiven and all that jazz.”

They don’t hug it out, because that’s just not who they are. But Alex nods her head and Lena smiles and that pretty much sums up their entire working relationship.

“Before I go--”

“Did you really pay for a flight to Metropolis just to apologise to me? Because you call me a dramatic lesbian a lot but I think this takes the cake.”

Alex shrugs. “There’s actually one more thing. I know us working together is hard for you in a lot of ways, and I know you don’t want to come to my wedding because of Kara, but there’s something I really want to tell you.”

“I feel a rousing monologue coming on,” Lena says, and Alex laughs.

“My mom always said that sometimes things that are meant to be just don’t work out, because of timing, because it’s not how the universe needs it to be yet, whatever. But if it’s truly meant to be, everything will find its way back into place.”

“Is that it?” Lena says, and Alex smacks her arm. 

“No. And stop interrupting. You and Kara--” There it is, that’s what Lena’s been dreading. “It’s not the timing with you two. It’s the fact you’re both just giant dumbasses who are too stubborn to just concede and fight for each other. I know you were hurt that she kept her identity from you, I really do. But you know why she did it. For so long, you were her anchor to normalcy. You treated her like Kara Danvers, not like Supergirl and not like Kara Zor El. I think she wasn’t just scared of losing you, she was scared of losing some part of herself, a certain carefree she got to be when she was with you. 

“I know she hurt you. But I also know that you and Kara, you’re meant to be, whether it be best friends or something more than that. And sooner or later, I know you’re gonna find your way back to each other. Just don’t wait too long and regret wasting time. We both know that life’s short, and anything can happen. And you deserve to be happy for whatever time you’ve got here.”

Alex rests a hand on Lena’s shoulder, just for a second, giving her a small squeeze. She pulls an envelope from her pocket and puts it on Lena’s desk. 

And then, just as soon as she came, Alex is gone, and Lena is alone again.

She opens the envelope, and pulls out a piece of heavy paper and two cards; the Danvers-Sawyer wedding and rehearsal dinner invitations. Alex has already done her the courtesy of circling ‘attending’ on both RSVPs.

She picks up the phone.

“Jess,” she says into it. “Something’s come up.”

///

Kara stands up from her seat next to Nia, and taps her knife on the side of her wine glass. She gets the room’s attention fairly quickly, forty of Alex and Maggie’s closest friends.

(She will never, not in a million years, admit how long she spent practising that glass dinging. She broke the glass on her first thirty tries.)

The rehearsal dinner had been going perfectly so far, and it looks like it’ll stay that way, bar any natural disasters or alien invasions. Knowing National City, Kara’s keeping her fingers crossed.

“Hi everyone,” she says to the now quiet room. “As maid of honor, sister of one of the brides, and wedding planner extraordinaire--”

“Overachiever!” calls out James, and everybody laughs. Kara laughs, too.

“I’ll try and keep this short because, well, you’ll be hearing my real speech at the wedding next week. But I just wanted to say, almost fifteen years ago I came to America with absolutely nothing and I was taken in by the Danvers and welcomed into their family. And I know it’s not really the same situation, but I feel incredibly lucky to be the one to welcome you, Maggie, into the Danvers family. It’ll be nice to have someone to suffer through Alex’s cooking with, and someone to suffer through Alex’s incessant talking during movie night with, and pretty much it’ll just be great to have someone who understands how hard it really is to put up with Alex.”

The crowd laughs again, and Alex also laughs, and Kara knows she’s killing it. She looks at all the faces smiling up at her, and she sees a familiar face step into the back of the room, her hair windswept, and her cheeks flushed. She catches Kara’s eye and she smiles and Kara smiles right back.

“In all seriousness, I’ve learned so much from Alex while I’ve been her sister. Resilience. Strength. Compassion. And now, watching you two together, I’ve seen first hand what it means to love. To love unconditionally and without judgement. You two have found your soulmate and you’ve found redemption in each other. It’s taken you a while, but you’ve finally got what we all wish we had:”

Kara looks to the back of the room and raises her glass, refusing to break eye contact.

“Love. You’ve got love Here’s to the happy couple.”

The room claps and cheers and Kara hugs Maggie and Alex before excusing herself. The familiar face is gone, but Kara steps outside into the cold night air, knowing who she’ll find.

“This is a nice surprise,” Kara says, and she means it more than she’s meant anything before. 

Lena turns around, and god, she’s even more beautiful than Kara remembers. 

“Alex really wanted me to come to her wedding, and you know how much I hate disappointing people.”

“Almost as much as I hate it,” Kara replies, and Lena laughs loudly.

“God, I’ve missed that laugh,” Kara says. 

“I’ve missed  _ you _ ,’ Lena says. “So much. I was an idiot.”

Kara shakes her head. “I was the idiot.”

“How about we’re both idiots?”

“Sounds about right.”

“So, how have you been?”

“Busy. I’ve been trying to be good, but I never figured out how to live without you,” Kara says, deciding that the two of them have had enough lies to last a lifetime; it was about time they started telling the complete truth.

“I figured out how to live without you,” Lena says. “I just learned really quickly that I really didn’t want to. It fucking sucks.”

They regard each other for a moment, a comfortable silence settling over them. Kara smiles at Lena and Lena smiles back. They don’t need words, not now, anyway. They just need time to be near each other once again, to feel at home and safe and carefree. Kara can hear Nia setting up the menorah inside, struggling to keep everything according to schedule. And Kara wishes she could stay with Lena, and forget all about the stupid schedule. But she knows Alex is relying on her. Stupid, almost married Alex.

“I’ve got to head inside,” Kara sighs. “We’re about to light Chanukah candles.”

“My favorite.”

“I remember. But, uh, I have to go inside and help set everything up. You should come inside, too.”

Lena shakes her head. “I don’t want to make an appearance and take away any of their attention. I’ll call Alex later on. And I’ll be at the wedding.”

“Maybe we could catch up before then? I mean, the wedding’s a whole week away.”

“I think I can move some things around,” Lena says with a wink. “Goodnight, Kara.”

She turns and leaves, only getting a few steps away before Kara calls out to her.

“Hey Lena?” she turns around, and Kara’s right beside her again. It must be that Kryptonian superspeed.

“Yes, Kara?”

“How long, uh… I wanna clear my schedule so I was just wondering. How long do you reckon you’re gonna be in town?”

Lena can’t handle it anymore. She leans forward and she kisses Kara. It’s soft and it’s quick and in a couple of hours Kara will wonder if she imagined it happening. But for now it’s just enough, a promise of love and of mended friendship, a sign that things are going to be alright.

“I’m gonna be here for a while.”


	8. Shavuot - Rebirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It ends with a beginning."
> 
> //
> 
> In which they find forever.

"Wherever you go, I will go. Where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people are my people and your god is my god. Where you will die, I will die, and there I shall be buried."

\- Megillat Rut 1:16-17, traditionally read on Shavuot.

///

It ends with a beginning.

The hospital is loud, the type of loud that made twelve year old Kara panic and hide. But now she’s a seasoned pro, and she weaves through the chaos without a second thought, her impatience getting the better of her. After all, it’s not every day that you get to meet a new family member.

She sweet talks a nurse into giving her the information she needs, and it takes all of her self control not to superspeed it to the room. She just regular speeds it, the big bunch of balloons bobbing along behind her. Knocking on the door, she opens it gently, smiling like the idiot her friends and family know her to be.

“Where’s my nephew?” she asks, without even acknowledging her sister or sister-in-law.

“Good to see you too,” Alex says, without nearly as much sarcasm as she’s capable of. A small bundle rests in her arms, a squirming, hours old bundle who already has more security than the president. Kara holds out her hands and does little grabby motions, desperate to hold the baby for the first time.

(She won’t deny that she’s been practicing all day. This is possibly one of the most important moments of her life.)

“Kara, meet Judah Mateo.” Kara stares down at the little boy, his round cheeks and furrowed brow. She feels a new sort of love for the very first time, a need to protect and love something so small and innocent.

“Judah like the Maccabee?” she asks. Fitting, she thinks, for a Chanukah baby.

“Judah like our grandfather,” Alex says, rolling her eyes playfully. “At least until social services manages to track down his family.”

“I can’t believe someone could just leave him on the back doorstep,” Kara says. “Do you know what planet he’s from?”

“Well the only sign he’s an alien is the pointy ears,” Maggie says, referring to her son’s elf-like ears. “He could be part Daltorian, part human.”

Alex shrugs. “There’s plenty of time for testing when he’s a bit older. And honestly, we don’t care what the hell he is as long as he’s happy and healthy.”

It had taken Alex and Maggie breaking up the first and only time to realise that they didn’t mind if they had kids as long as they had each other. And then, a year into their marriage they had applied to be foster parents, opting to open their home to the most vulnerable people in society, in what Kara had dubbed ‘such a classic Sanvers move.’

Their foster daughter, five-year-old Olivia is at school, had joined them eight months ago, and though she was a handful and a half, when they had gotten a call about an abandoned infant they jumped at the chance to help.

“Can you believe the first two families they called said no just because he’s an alien,” Maggie says. “Look how fucking cute he is.”

“Yeah, I can definitely believe it,” Kara says, running a finger gently across his cheek. “But he’s lucky he’s got you.”

They all stare down at the baby boy, entranced by his peacefulness despite the fact that his very short life has been anything but.

“Oh! Lena made some calls and your apartment is now completely ready for a newborn.”

“We literally got the call about him not even three hours ago, there’s no way she’s that organised.”

Kara shrugs. “She gets shit done.”

Kara’s phone rings, startling Judah who begins to fuss in her arms. Alex swoops in, picking him up and gently rocking him. Kara stares at her screen and sighs.

“It’s the DEO,” she says, standing up. “I’ll see you guys later on.”

She calls Lena from the air and tells her that she has to cancel their dinner plans.

“No problem, dear,” Lena tells her, “I’m having a crazy day, too. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Love you,” Kara says, before ending the call. She doesn’t know what she did to deserve Lena and her love, but it must’ve been something huge. It had taken them a while to settle into their relationship, with both of them learning how to live with Supergirl in their lives, but now Kara doesn’t know how she managed to live before Lena was her girlfriend.

Everything’s easier when Lena’s loving her. The end of every mission seems more precious, every crime stopped like she’s making a bigger difference. And on the days where things don’t go well, Kara comes home to the arms of the love of her life, to a house filled with love and peace. Saving the world is a lot easier to do when there’s a warm home to come back to.

///

The sun rises on National City, bathing the skyscrapers in the soft glow of a winter morning. Kara flies through the empty skies, the peaceful silence of five o’clock keeping her going.

Kara lands on Lena’s balcony with a small thud, smiling down at the photos of Judah Alex has sent to her phone. She opens the door as quietly as she can, and moments later, she’s in her underwear and ready for bed. Lena lies on the duvet covers fully dressed, and Kara knows it’s because she had tried to wait up for her return. She climbs into Lena’s bed, the weight of her long night finally taking ahold of her, weariness settling into her bones. She snuggles up against Lena’s back, kissing her shoulder softly as she finally lays her head on her pillow. Lena stirs, rolling over to face Kara. Kara kisses her again, this time on the forehead.

“I missed you,” Kara says.

“Hard night?” Lena murmurs, still half asleep. She hasn’t even bothered to open her eyes yet.

“It’s all fine now. With you.” Kara says.

“Gay.”

Kara laughs, and she runs her hands through Lena’s hair, knowing how much she loves it.

“I’ve been thinking about cutting my hair,” Kara says. This is their routine: Kara talks until Lena falls back to sleep, to the sound of Kara’s soft voice rambling about nothing. “Like, cutting it all off. Not Lex short, more like Winn short. Or Alex short. D’you reckon it’s weird if Alex and I have the same haircut? I dont, like, have to ask Alex permission before getting short hair, do I? Is that a thing?”

“Hey, Kara?”

“Yes, love?”

Lena’s eyes are still closed, and she hums with content as Kara’s fingers play with her hair.

“Marry me.” Her voice is small and filled with sleep and it’s not even a question she asks. It’s sits somewhere between a request and a demand, an inevitability that Kara has been waiting for for a lot longer than she’ll ever admit.

She kisses Lena’s forehead again, and then her nose, and then her lips. She kisses her deeply as her entire body is taken over by the complete and total love she feels for Lena.

“Count to ten,” she whispers into Lena’s ear.

“One.”

Kara jumps out of the bed, and is gone with a small whoosh.

“Two. Three.”

Lena rolls back onto her other side, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

“Four. Five. Six.”

She looks at the clock; it’s not even six yet. She starts to go through her mental list of what needs to be done today.

“Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.”

Before she finishes saying ‘ten’, Kara is already back in the room, her hair windswept and slightly out of breath. She kneels down beside Lena’s bedside. She takes her hand and kisses it, before sliding a ring onto her finger. It’s a simple diamond, something Kara knows Lena will wear despite her aversion to jewelry.

Lena sticks her hand out and into her top drawer, fishing around before pulling out a box and handing it to Kara. She opens it to find a similar diamond, nothing too flashy or ostentatious. She loves it.

Their engagement is quiet and unassuming, so different to the very public lives they’re both forced to live. They live in front of the cameras, both as a power couple beloved by National City’s tabloids, but also under Supergirl’s constant shadow. Every move they make seems to be for the world nowadays, but this is just for them, in the comfort of their home, a chapter in the silences that have defined them for so long. And this is all they need, really, a warm bed and a soft touch and the promise of a future filled with so much more.

“Now that that’s done,” Lena says, “come back to bed so we can sleep please.”

“Oh, there’s no way we’re sleeping now,” Kara says with a smirk. She climbs onto the bed, straddling her fiance. She leans down and kisses her neck as her fingers slowly trace her abdomen.

“God, I love you,” Kara whispers into Lena’s ear as she undoes her pants.

“Oh, yeah?” Lena says, eyebrows raised. Her heart’s already racing under Kara’s touch. “Prove it.”

///

“Should we tell them?” Lena asks as they walk into Alex and Maggie’s apartment, hands linked. They’re wearing their engagement rings but they know their family well enough to know that nobody will give them a second glance. The Chanukah party is in full swing by the time they get there, the last night’s candles ready to be lit and the ‘Welcome to the Family, Judah’ signs already starting to fall down.

“Nah,” Kara says, setting their gift down on the table. “We have forever to tell them.”

“Alex is gonna be angry when she finds out you hid this from her.”

“Alex can learn how to deal,” Kara grumbles.

“Kara!” calls Olivia, bounding over to them as fast as her little legs can carry her. Kara picks her up like she weighs nothing, swinging her around. Lena greets the rest of the room, taking Judah from Maggie’s arms and rocking him softly.

And here, surrounded by their family and friends, Kara and Lena exist in a state of bliss, the scars of their past forgotten long ago. Because Eliza had been right, when things are meant to be, they’ll work themselves out.

And Kara and Lena were always meant to be, and they have a lifetime together to prove it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it for this year, folks! thanks for hanging around for this journey. until next time u can find me on murdershegoat on tumblr and @taxiapologist on twitter.

**Author's Note:**

> be my friend @murdershegoat on tumblr


End file.
